The year 2014 will doubtless have interesting moments but in terms of politicking, it will not be much different from 2010 or 2006 or any other pre-presidential election year.
Unless, President Goodluck Jonathan joins the All Progressives Congress!
Yes, you read right. It is a political move that is sure to benefit everyone.
The first imagined beneficiary is Jonathan himself. Candidly, the bottom is dropping off his political ambition. He is not popular in the region monolithically termed “North” neither does he have many friends in the South-West. His South-South supporters have overplayed their hands and when they resort to their worn ethnic jingoism, everybody yawns. His South-East allies might stay with him but in a game of numbers, it might not go far. Informed deductions point to a heated and desperate 2014 for Jonathan.
Worse, in the past few months, the crises in his current party — the Peoples Democratic Party — has spiralled to the point members are walking out without the fear that the Economic and Financial Crimes Commission will pursue them. If they get away with it, so to speak, it means more people might abandon the sinking PDP ship and crossover to the APC. The deprecation of the PDP – a party that publicly boasts it would remain in power for the next 100 years – is a bad omen for the President.
Jonathan is, however, not totally knocked out. He has a few dynamics in his favour: Power of incumbency; his Simple Simon mien that enables him to look vulnerable (and pitiable) when necessary; and, his quickness to kneel down before every altar –spiritual and temporal. The last dynamic is a card that never fails to win over Nigerians. This year, every Jonathan’s speech will be all about God. Just watch out.
As the PDP’s fortunes decline, that of the APC burgeons. Therefore, what option but for Jonathan himself to preempt the PDP’s cross-carpeting members by porting along with –or, even ahead of — them to the APC? To do so, he needs not give up the PDP entirely. He can manage the two parties successfully and nobody will notice any anomaly: one party is a gang of those who are currently “chopping” and the other is a mob who wants to replace them. Same difference. Jonathan only has to ask the Niger State Governor, Babangida Aliyu, for his Polygamy of Politics blueprint and he will be fine. That’s all.
The next beneficiary is the APC. Of course, there is no question the party will reject Jonathan if he decides to camp with it. The APC will accept anything. Joining the party is as easy as buying a broom in Ariara Market, Aba.
Right now, the APC still swears it’s different when it is clear to the blind that it is transfiguring into another PDP right before our very eyes.
One of the APC’s honchos tries to explain their un-principled recruitment of members as pragmatism, saying they have to consult the likes of Olusegun Obasanjo and Ibrahim Babangida despite their record because the APC cannot afford to be “too puritanical.” This is a bit of a stretch considering nobody ever thought of the APC as puritans, but I get his point. He is saying to catch the Nigerian monkeys, the APC will have to become one as well. Hence, the APC has been behaving like a monkey, jumping from the tree in Minna to the one in Ota.
This should not be unexpected. We all know that their party is “All Progressives” and their definition of progressive has been stretched to an elastic limit; it is snapping in their faces.
Jonathan can even propose a merger between both parties. As we have seen, the biggest problems the new merger will likely face are those of names and logo, not necessarily a synchronisation of ideas or programmes. Would they become the Peoples Democratic Congress or All Progressives Democrats? And how do you fuse a broom with an umbrella to create a coherent logo? Well, they will figure something out; they always.
Another benefit of the APC taking Jonathan is that it will save them a lot of hassles. Some weeks back, it “advocated” for the legislature to kick-start an impeachment process against Jonathan. The very moment he becomes an APC member, they will swallow their rants and begin to campaign for him as a “progressive”. And other PDP members too will join in droves and before you know it, another monster is born!
The only thing that worries me is that if Jonathan joins the APC, there would be no “opposition” left to pursue with clichéd press releases. Alhaji Lai Mohammed will have to take to farming.
One small problem that I see on the horizon is that of ethnicity. Those who insist that power must return to the North and, have joined the APC for this purpose would need to be placated. Once again, it is a problem that is easily solved. Jonathan can toss some peanuts in their direction (I hear peanuts is a monkey delicacy).
Then, the biggest and best beneficiaries: Nigerians!
Jonathan in the APC means there will be no over-stealing in 2014 to fund elections in 2015. People will still embezzle here and there, quite alright, but not too much since there will be no serious contention at the presidential level where Nigeria’s politics is fiercest.
Another plus to Nigerians is that there will be no post-election violence. In fact, our going out to vote will be to fulfil all righteousness. The level of desperation will be significantly reduced and we will all be one nation under the PDC/APD (whichever)!
Most importantly, there will be no undue expectations. We will all sit patiently till 2019 (or 2018).
So, what’s left other than do the “needful”, (ah, that word has jumped out again this new year), just so we know where we are heading on time?
So, President Jonathan, please do not waste time. This 2014 is your year! Don’t be shy. Go ahead and buy yourself a broom. Then, make that call to You-Know-Who just like in 2011.
You know how it is done, you are no learner.
Everybody will win at the end of the day. You are welcome. Happy New Year.
And to all my readers, I wish you an eventful year.
PS: I just remembered now that there are still some political parties called Labour and the All Progressives Grand Alliance. Well, I know I should say something about them but I have already concluded this piece.
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