Akello also resurrected an old debate of which came first the egg or the chicken; the love or the submission? JAMES SSEKANDI went in search of answers and found himself confronted by a different question: which modern-era man wants a submissive woman?
Perhaps Brian Tuka, a radio journalist in Kampala, is not your typical Ugandan man. Asked how much submission he expects from his wife of two years, Tuka can’t hide his embarrassment. For him, it is a throwback to an era long gone, to a generation he deems awkward.
A business administration graduate, Tuka says submissiveness would lead to communication difficulties and create a gulf between the woman and a man like him. Inevitably, he says, failed communication would lead to conflict, and what was love would easily become war.
“Submissiveness is a voluntary behaviour. I always make sure my marriage is built on common respect and there should be mutual servant-hood with trust, confidence for each other,” Tuka says.
He seems to represent the new, educated type of man who cannot stand the sight of his spouse showing the kind of don’t-challenge-me submissiveness that our great grandfathers demanded from their wives.
Greeting grandpa without kneeling down could earn the woman serious punishment. Moreover, grandma knew the futility of arguing with or fighting her husband. It was like the legendary clash between the egg and stone: no matter who attacked first, the winner was always the stone.
BIBLICAL BACKING
The traditionalist approach to spousal relations often benefits from such biblical verses as Ephesians chapter 5, which orders wives to “submit” to their husbands and husbands to “love” their wives.
What is often ignored is that back then grandma had little choice but to do as grandpa demanded. She had neither education, property nor employment outside his home. Fairy tales say that often the option of divorce was not available to grandma; her bed had been broken up on her wedding day and used to cook – a clear message that her only place was now with her husband.
But how does that fit into today’s marriage, where Peter, with his pass degree, is married to master’s graduate Sophie, who drives a bigger car and maybe earns more money than him?
Surely Paul does not expect his wife to kneel before him, call him “sir” and accept all his ideas without vouching for her own. Tom Mugimba, a claims representative at an insurance company, says the modern marriage as built on allowing each other to be vulnerable and listening to each other the way best friends should be.
“Exactly three things need to be remembered in a marriage if it is to be a mutual bond of sharing throughout life,” Mugimba says, “respect, love and forgiveness.”
Thaib Lubega, an accountant in the ministry of finance, concurs. He says he was attracted to his wife in part because of her self-esteem and strength of character.
“We always plan together financially, and I listen to her often before making important decisions,” Lubega says.
RESPECT, NOT SUBMISSIVENESS
Asked about the place of submission in his marriage, Sheikh Jaffer Ssenganda, the president of the Muslim Centre for Justice and Law, says there is none.
“No, no, no. My education has a great influence on the way I think. I had part of my education in the United States,” says Ssenganda, who has a master’s degree in human rights. “But that does not mean that I am going to be comfortable with my wife doing anything the way she wants without even consulting me.”
There is a pattern here. When you talk to men who cringe at the idea of submissiveness, they somehow bring up the word ‘respect’. It suggests that rather than submissive partners, today’s educated, exposed man expects a certain degree of respect. But, one will ask, is there difference between the two? Are men not simply hair-splitting.
Well, the dictionary defines to respect as “to feel admiration for someone because of their personal qualities, their achievements, or their status, and show this by treating them in a polite and kind way.”
To be submissive, on the other hand, is defined as being “willing to do what other people tell you to do without arguing.” The submissive person is controlled by the other, and has no voice to protest.
It is a subtle difference, but men we talked to feel it lies at the axis where women most misunderstand men like Ssenganda, Tuka or Lubega. These are men who can’t imagine hitting their partners, who would naturally buy them flowers, open the car door or pull a chair for them.
“Honestly, I find it awkward,” says Tuka of submissiveness. “I do not want a woman who will just listen and say yes, yes to everything I say.
“But as human beings – men or women – we all have our egos and I want to be respected as a man.”
Ladies will most likely immediately ask: what the heck is this respect men are talking about?
The dictionary definition talks about being “polite” and “kind.” That would suggest that if husbands were treated with the basic good manners most Ugandan mothers try to instil in children, marriages would be healthier: Don’t shout at him (or her for that matter) rudely as if he were your little child! Don’t humiliate him in public.
For Ssenganda, respect would also mean consulting and communicating with him on where you are, when you are to be late, etc. Ssenganda insists, this respect should be mutual, because he is also accountable to his wife.
But because some wives know that the home is matrimonial and he can’t lock her out, she can choose to come in when she wants. The husband would naturally find that disrespectful even if, in this day and age, he has few options beyond talking about it again.
Even some women find some of their sisters’ conduct unbecoming.
“My brothers were raised [to know that women had their rights]. They agree to disagree in their marital fights,” one woman wrote on www.cafemom.com. “I told one of them to grow a backbone and ‘stop letting her treat you like crap’. Because she pushed her limits and walked all over him.”
Tuka, who “thanks God” for his superb, “intelligent, understanding” wife, agrees that respect should be mutual. But he says some wives can take advantage of respectful men and try to “control” them.
“My wife should have a say in choosing the school where our children should go,” Tuka says. “But at the end of the day, I am the one to pick the bill and if I say that this is the budget and we should take this school, my position should be respected.”
10 WAYS TO SHOW HIM RESPECT
1. Use a polite tone of voice especially when you are upset.
2. Anticipate his needs, wants and desires and act on them.
3. Don’t yell and argue with him in front of the children.
4. Care about things that matter to him.
5. When he asks you to do something, try to make it a priority.
6. Listen to his advice sometimes.
7. Let him know when he makes you happy. Most husbands dream of making wives happy.
8. Do not compare him with a pastor, an elder, another husband or a woman’s advice.
9. Accept that you are both human and be gracious enough to forgive when he errs.
10. When he is talking to you, give him full attention (put that smart phone away).
10 THINGS HUSBANDS FIND DISRESPECTFUL
1. Hitting or throwing things at him – except in self-defence.
2. Barking/shouting at him and calling him names in anger.
3. Asking him to do something, then doing it yourself because he did not run at the task.
4. Snapping at him (Don’t you have hands??)
5. Repeatedly neglecting core ‘wifey’ duties.
6. Simply ignoring something he has seriously complained about.
7. Speaking negatively of him to others or in front of others.
8. Undermining his authority as a father, eg telling children they don’t have to do what he asked. Making light of or “poo-pooing” something he regards as important.
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